Addition to yesterdays blog

okay so I have an RPG/Doctor Who/Crisis opn infinite earths poster thing going on in the living room with only room for one more poster (2 if over the TV unit as well)

Hall I'm not sure about it's very narrow and therefore decoration seems a little pointlees to me

My bedroom is going to be Rock posters/Album covers I think (that'll start at the end of the month)

Little room is going to be Library /Figure Storage (so at some pont I have to lure Rob round with his drill after I've accumulated shelving supplies)

Still not entirely sure about the floors - carpeting would be really expensive and I'd have to move the furniture into an extradimensional space in order to do it - thought about carpet tiles but a lot of the same problems - so brings back to rugs I suppose

Kitchen gear needed for new lifestyle thing

Toaster, Blender, Microwave, Cooker (proper one), Slow Cooker? (and various kitcheny stuff that I should have but don't mixing bowls and the like (plus apparently a mortar and pestle, blame Ainsley not me)

this is the plan

planning now start accumulating stuff end of next week on payday

Excellent

Direction is key for this process "to thine own self be true" is one of Robs favorite sayings but I wasn't sure what that meant to me

I've been thinking that I may have been over thinking this

The University course thing - I suddenly realised I didn't know why I was doing any of it that along with the illness stress and the infection I picked up after the operation and I put it on hold

But if you boil it down to basics who am I?

I know who I was before I gave up

I was a long haired rock fan who gamed

I liked me then

It's a start

Thats what I'm going to be aiming for I think

Started a new life recently

Started eating better and watching calories, started walking to work in the morning as the first part of a process that will end in walking to and from work every day and going to the gym 2 or 3 times a week

I've lost about 3 pounds since last Wednesday (which is what I'm calling the day I drew a line the sand)

I feel happy

So far (and I know it's early) it's been easy because at the end of this road I see a few things happening and I want them to and I think I can ... no I know I can make it there

My friends are the difference between this time and the times before when I have said such things

I asked one question (is it feasible to lose 5 stone in 7 months) and they came out and gave me advice and support which made me happy - before I tried to do this stuff on my own and I can't do that (it turns out) - but I covered that in an earlier post

Work is crap £9.5m debt in the particular area I work that I and the team I'm on have to try and recover and the biggest obstacle is work itself, crap policies terrible management and pointless restrictions make the job virtually impossible and because of upcoming changes to the benefits systems it's going to get much worse

It doesn't matter, I used to care and feel some pride when we got back some of the larger debts but no more

The Job is just that now a means to an end - it's a period of time daily that I can't do things I would rather do but thats okay

I have feelings for someone - I think about her daily and I've been told that shes not interested because I'm too fat and unhealthy for her (Quote) there is a chance I suppose that I'm actually doing this for her on some level - in any case what she said didn't actually change the way I feel about her

I know I'm a putz but hey

So I made myself a deal 5 stone gone and I get to buy a load of games stuff guilt free with whatever funds I've saved by that point - 5 stone because it's about halfway down to what is a much healthier weight for me

So the 2nd 5 stone - you'll like this - Gencon Indy 2013 in Indianappolis (at least thats the plan) is the carrot at the end of that particular stick

So from about 6AM Wednesday Morning to 6.30AM Saturday morning I lost about 3 pounds thats with changing the diet and walking to work - next week starts 3 weeks of same diet and walking to and from work - then I have a week off work at the start of June, the week after that I arrange my induction at Victoria Leisure Centre and start the gym thing

It'll be Saturday Mornings at the gym with Rob and Mark and when I get up to 2 trips per week I'll go Wednesday after work

Basically I'm happy and optimistic - which is nice

J

Been thinking about this week and I have a theory

When my gran died a few years ago my friends rallied but the family said we must suport my brother but ultimately you have to deal with these things alone don't you

Then when that business with my brother kicked off in 2009 again it was must support matt from the family and my friends didn't know what to say about any of it (I don't blame them what can you say) so again dealt with it mostly on my own

And that I think is the problem I got into the habit of trying to deal with everthing on my own and you can't sometimes you need help

This week my friends have rallied and given me some great advice about eating right and the like - I have a low fat recipe book on the way and a good idea of what I'm going to be doing so I'm far more positive about everything (not the false positive feeling I convince myself I have then forget about)

Eating right, June starts the gym lots of walking, sort out the flat and at the end of this part of it I get a new ipad if I'm good

sounds like a plan

Things are a learning experience

"it's all experience points" Rob used to say until after a few thousand times of saying it he was savagely beaten ;)

The weekend and the serious black cloud I've been under since has taught me that I do actually have deep seated issues with my weight that I may have been burying ...until Mark lit the blue touch player

So all I have to do when this whole thing kicks off end of the first full week in June I reckon all I have to do is overcome my apparent emotional issues, and my inherant fear of ridicule and inertia to change my whole life and well ...fix me

I know I've said things like this before but this week has been different

So massive hill to climb

I may need help

J

Bad weekend  - I went from feeling on top of the world straight down to feeling more useless and pathetic than I can remember feeling in years

Bloody ridiculous really I'm fairly sure he didn't mean any harm but I was furious then I was miserable

I hate myself for reacting that way

And I'd rather not think about it ever again, but you learn from these things or you let them destroy you

And I'm too bloody stubborn to be beaten by the likes of this

I'm keeping a copy of the facebook post I put on weeks ago after I got back from the pub

Usually I delete these things as they tend to be a bit embarassing but the one below felt good to get off my chest (I think I'd been bottling that up for a while) so I'm keeping this one so I don't forget :)

okay here we go - the answer to the question "whats Jules problem anyway"

way back when I was 16 there was a girl (my first love)
turbulent times follow for a couple of years and the she leaves me (first love leaving blues)
in the mean time I ran into another girl (who I still think is one of the most beautiful and wise women I've ever met)
Then girl one comes back and I left the Wise Woman (whi...ch was stupid) that
caused pain and a little later the first girl left me again (as she was wont to do)

Time passed and I ran into another woman I loved (seriousy) things went wrong and not only did we break up but I also lived in the same house with the ex and had to live with her and her new beau whilr I was living under their room (you can imagine what happend) eventually I left the house

Since then I have been terrified to let anyone close enough to hurt me like that again

For 19 years

Now things have changed - I have one vice that I'd like to get rid of I like a cigar after a few beers and tonight I went from the pub surrounded by freinds to go to the tap where I know there are cigars on sale

The point is, now I want to get on and find someone but still have the fear

Things maybe on the up but I still have the fear - I care about someone deeply but after 19 years I'm afraid of not her betraying me ( I trust her) but for me letting her down because of my issues

I have to find a way out of this

JSee more

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    Elaina Healey therapy? im not trying to be an ass here, i think therapy may help with ur issues, i did therapy in the past, it was good for me
    

    8 April at 01:45 ·
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    Julian Cooper not quite at the therapy stage here yet m'love - I've taken a beating but not yet given up - I still believe in love
    

    8 April at 01:48 ·  · 2
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    Elaina Healey good for you then! im glad u still believe in love! i wish u much luck with it :))))
    

    8 April at 01:49 ·
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    Julian Cooper you to darlin x
    

    8 April at 01:50 ·  · 1
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    Elaina Healey xx
    

    8 April at 01:50 ·
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    Julian Cooper Night all
    

    8 April at 04:39 ·
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    Elaina Healey Nighty Night Julian
    

    8 April at 05:27 ·
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    Krista Sadler the thing is that you have to stop yourself becoming a part of someone else and remember that people will do what they want wether you trust them or not. i like to watch how people treat others before i will let them anywhere near me as it's a fairly good indication of how they will treat you when the loved up phase is done. But then saying that i have no trust or confidence in people either so i don't think anyone is getting through my wall anytime soon. I suppose you just need to feel the fear and do it anyway and remember that it takes two seperate, whole beings to make a relationship work and if it doesnt work it's not the end of your world, just another of lifes lessons to learn from....observe it all, bless it all, release it all and only you can win. The past is just that, think about what you learned, keep it if it was useful and move on. One day i may even take my own advice lol x
    

    8 April at 08:42 ·  · 1
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    Margaret-Mary Martin Having known you through all this I point out how far you've improved your life in so many ways since Number 3. Look at your job, your flat, your friends etc etc. I don't think the occasional cigar is your biggest problem - the 'few beers' may be worse...I'm always looking for walking companions at the minute so if you ever want to go out in the country - or walk down the canal give us a ring ...or a message
    

    8 April at 10:00 ·  · 1
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    Suse Hammond-Pears It is a terrible thing to live in the shade of the past. It is suffocating and ultimately self defeating, because what has been and gone cannot ever be changed no matter how much time and misery we feed it. The only thing that can change is how we view it. The second thing to point out is that other people are separate beings even when so deep in a love affair that there is no breath without them. They can and will be unkind, impatient, stupid and occasionally destroy your entire reason for being with a single look. This is normal. The way to do it and live is to care for yourself. Give yourself credence and care and recognise when you've been miserable long enough and let yourself move along home now. Otherwise the cold from winter gone spoils the fruit of summer coming.
    

    8 April at 10:02 ·  · 1
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    Maddie Hazel Martin ‎-hugs- Things can get better. And they will. I love you Uncle Jules.
    

    8 April at 10:11 ·  · 1
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    Charlotte Rose Barker I can give you a glowing character reference if you like. In my humble opinion you've already figured it out. You have to love yourself first before others have much of a chance. If you build from a strong(er) foundation of confidence it gets much easier to let people in
    

    8 April at 11:44 ·  · 1
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    Julian Cooper I woke up this morning and remembered the post I put on last night (beer will do that sometimes) and my first thought was to delete it and forget it ever happened - but it feels better to get it off my chest and considering the the responses if I could I'd frame it - thank you :) x
    

    8 April at 12:02 ·
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    Charlotte Rose Barker ‎*hugs*
    

    8 April at 15:41 ·
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    Julian Cooper ‎:)
    

    8 April at 15:43 ·
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    Julian Cooper Right - drastic times and so on - at the end of April I'm going to see The Crucible (play) and then pub after - then I'm going to stop drinking for a period of no less than 3 months - still going out no beer - saving money, losing weight, no cigars - done this before and I can do it again :)
    

    9 April at 09:45 ·  · 1