Wednesday, 25 April 2012

I'm keeping a copy of the facebook post I put on weeks ago after I got back from the pub
Usually I delete these things as they tend to be a bit embarassing but the one below felt good to get off my chest (I think I'd been bottling that up for a while) so I'm keeping this one so I don't forget :)
okay here we go - the answer to the question "whats Jules problem anyway"

way back when I was 16 there was a girl (my first love)
turbulent times follow for a couple of years and the she leaves me (first love leaving blues)
in the mean time I ran into another girl (who I still think is one of the most beautiful and wise women I've ever met)
Then girl one comes back and I left the Wise Woman (whi...ch was stupid) that
caused pain and a little later the first girl left me again (as she was wont to do)

Time passed and I ran into another woman I loved (seriousy) things went wrong and not only did we break up but I also lived in the same house with the ex and had to live with her and her new beau whilr I was living under their room (you can imagine what happend) eventually I left the house

Since then I have been terrified to let anyone close enough to hurt me like that again

For 19 years

Now things have changed - I have one vice that I'd like to get rid of I like a cigar after a few beers and tonight I went from the pub surrounded by freinds to go to the tap where I know there are cigars on sale

The point is, now I want to get on and find someone but still have the fear

Things maybe on the up but I still have the fear - I care about someone deeply but after 19 years I'm afraid of not her betraying me ( I trust her) but for me letting her down because of my issues

I have to find a way out of this

JSee more

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    • Elaina Healey therapy? im not trying to be an ass here, i think therapy may help with ur issues, i did therapy in the past, it was good for me
      8 April at 01:45 ·

    • Julian Cooper not quite at the therapy stage here yet m'love - I've taken a beating but not yet given up - I still believe in love
      8 April at 01:48 ·  · 2

    • Elaina Healey good for you then! im glad u still believe in love! i wish u much luck with it :))))
      8 April at 01:49 ·

    • Julian Cooper you to darlin x
      8 April at 01:50 ·  · 1

    • Elaina Healey xx
      8 April at 01:50 ·

    • Julian Cooper Night all
      8 April at 04:39 ·

    • Elaina Healey Nighty Night Julian
      8 April at 05:27 ·

    • Krista Sadler the thing is that you have to stop yourself becoming a part of someone else and remember that people will do what they want wether you trust them or not. i like to watch how people treat others before i will let them anywhere near me as it's a fairly good indication of how they will treat you when the loved up phase is done. But then saying that i have no trust or confidence in people either so i don't think anyone is getting through my wall anytime soon. I suppose you just need to feel the fear and do it anyway and remember that it takes two seperate, whole beings to make a relationship work and if it doesnt work it's not the end of your world, just another of lifes lessons to learn from....observe it all, bless it all, release it all and only you can win. The past is just that, think about what you learned, keep it if it was useful and move on. One day i may even take my own advice lol x
      8 April at 08:42 ·  · 1

    • Margaret-Mary Martin Having known you through all this I point out how far you've improved your life in so many ways since Number 3. Look at your job, your flat, your friends etc etc. I don't think the occasional cigar is your biggest problem - the 'few beers' may be worse...I'm always looking for walking companions at the minute so if you ever want to go out in the country - or walk down the canal give us a ring ...or a message
      8 April at 10:00 ·  · 1

    • Suse Hammond-Pears It is a terrible thing to live in the shade of the past. It is suffocating and ultimately self defeating, because what has been and gone cannot ever be changed no matter how much time and misery we feed it. The only thing that can change is how we view it. The second thing to point out is that other people are separate beings even when so deep in a love affair that there is no breath without them. They can and will be unkind, impatient, stupid and occasionally destroy your entire reason for being with a single look. This is normal. The way to do it and live is to care for yourself. Give yourself credence and care and recognise when you've been miserable long enough and let yourself move along home now. Otherwise the cold from winter gone spoils the fruit of summer coming.
      8 April at 10:02 ·  · 1

    • Maddie Hazel Martin ‎-hugs- Things can get better. And they will. I love you Uncle Jules.
      8 April at 10:11 ·  · 1

    • Charlotte Rose Barker I can give you a glowing character reference if you like. In my humble opinion you've already figured it out. You have to love yourself first before others have much of a chance. If you build from a strong(er) foundation of confidence it gets much easier to let people in
      8 April at 11:44 ·  · 1

    • Julian Cooper I woke up this morning and remembered the post I put on last night (beer will do that sometimes) and my first thought was to delete it and forget it ever happened - but it feels better to get it off my chest and considering the the responses if I could I'd frame it - thank you :) x
      8 April at 12:02 ·

    • Charlotte Rose Barker ‎*hugs*
      8 April at 15:41 ·

    • Julian Cooper ‎:)
      8 April at 15:43 ·

    • Julian Cooper Right - drastic times and so on - at the end of April I'm going to see The Crucible (play) and then pub after - then I'm going to stop drinking for a period of no less than 3 months - still going out no beer - saving money, losing weight, no cigars - done this before and I can do it again :)
      9 April at 09:45 ·  · 1
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