well here we are at the end of 2012

was going to ramble on about changes to be made and angst and crap (as I am sometimes wont to do)
but gonna summarise

did well this year what with the weight loss and stuff - but could have done better

didn't get as much done round the flat as I could have done

happier about life in general now than I was this time last year (but I was still ill then so..)

Work sucks and sometimes allowed that to leach into my personal life

So.....

going to take another run at the weight loss (xmas gain first to go)

Starting end of January (payday) with the flat decoration (little room first)

By taking more control over my life I aim to be happier

Work is a neccessary evil that pays my rent. bills, and hobbies and that is all

Also

I am a gamer who collects things - the collecting thing mostly meshes with my gaming and is going to be ongoing during 2013

I am going to be hitting some cons across the country (hopefully)

and some Gigs with Rob and Steve and anyone else that wants alone

and you never know I may even meet someone

Happy New Year

J

well Suse and Alex do this so lets try............

Things to do 2013

1)  Lose more weight - not sure what kind of target to put on this so  5 stone over the year and more if I hit that

2) be a better ref - I thin all refs should try to be better and I'm no exception - need to be more organised, need to take breaks when I feel burnt out like last time, need to be more of a 'DM is right' stance rather then the democratic approach I've been using because that really doesn't work

3) be a better player - just feel I could be more involved

4) carpet the flat - carpet tiles either massive operation one weekend or doing it in parts

5) tart the place up - either some redecoration or wall hanging stuff -make this place look less than a games shop store room

6) travel - to events and stuff at least at first

7) meet more gaming people - not a reflection on the friends I've got but theres loads of stuff I could be doing and people I could meet and I don't cause it woold most likely mean striking out on my own a bit - scary!!! (see point 8)

8) stop letting fear hold me back

9) stop procrastinating ... well maybe later ;)

10) sort out plan (and execute) with regards work - it's terrible and they're keeping the pay freeze in place for at least another year (5th year) - need to get promoted or transferred within the council (don't fancy looking for completely new Job)

It's a start

J

And once more........

Weight loss - going to fall short of target (maths don't lie at the current rate I reckon I'm gonna fall 1 stone short, but there are still 2 weeks to go so who knows) anyhoo happy with what I've done and in the new year I will reset the 5 stone clock and start again :)

Work = Rubbish

Flat - I've got the idea for the whole flat now there will be games and books everywhere (I think I was having problems trying to assign seperate rooms for seperate things like a book room games room etc) but if I think of the flat as a whole 'Julians headspace' thing I think it'll be great when it's done
Going for Carpet Tiles (they're really cheap) and as Rob pointed out you can use double sided tape (apparently it's what it's used for) instead of glue which is really expensive and it'll be grreat - that starts in January

Need a new Washing Machine (old one died last weekend) also in new year

Went to Boyes in Arnold last week and picked up a load of Mantic figs on sale so large scale painting and glueing continues and hopefully start wargaming early next year

Sadly 2 of the 4 events I wanted to go to next year have fell through the Folk festival was going to caost £200 before you get to camping gear and cash for the weekend itself (food, embarassing shirts etc) so me and Rob are looking for an alternative (thought Download but thats about as expensive) so we'll see

and Games day isn't going to happen because Games Workshop have gone off the deep end the prices on the stuff (especially the new Hobbit stuff) is ridculous so I'm siding with Mantic full bore now so need to find a new gaming event to replace that (maybe Paizocon UK)

I was going to put my Christmass tree up on the 19th but as I'm not really feeling it I'm going to put it up on the evening of the 14th after I get home after my works do and I will have White Christmas (yes I still like Bing and Danny Kaye) and perhaps The Box of Delights on TV while I get the tree up

If that doesn't work then I may as well give up ;)

Right I've got to go out to a friends house now to play games (SURPRISE!!!!!) and then tonight gonna scribble and paint etc

So for now seeya

J

The key to what I'm doing is looking backward

Getting back to something approximating my fighting weight

Getting the band back together in that I'm now hanging out and gaming with people I used to well... game with and hang out with back in the day

From here out the plan was to simply continue until I acheive what I wanted to but a couple of things have happend over the last few days

Wizards are reprinting Scourge of the Slavers (1st ed A1-4 plus a bonus adventure and hopefully some stuff that Steve says linked the collected adventures together in the earlier compilation)

They are also reprinting the Realm of Horrors adventures (Tomb of Horrors, Barrier peaks etc) this had me smiling over the weekend (also the celebrity DND game from PAX on Youtube, check em out they're 2hrs plus but they are hilarious but there is some foul language you have been warned - start with 2009)

but last night I found out that some of Gary Gygax's family (plus some others) have bought the TSR name (apparently WOTC abandoned it some time ago) and they are starting up a company that cover sold RPG stuff as well as new games

They're putting out a magazine called Gygax magazine (next month I think) quarterley and the first of their products

I have an idea forming

Until I find out more I don't know where this is going but this is going to be fun

Right gotta go to work now

J

And again...

Weight still coming off

Job still rubbish but doscovered possible promotion oportunity

Christmas shopping nearly all done

Since I started in May to lose the weight and stuff I've been going through other changes as well all good

It's like waking up

I'm realising that a lot has been going on over the years that I've ignored or let happen and some recent changes and comments I have made have reflected that

I'm pushing for promotion at work

I'm going to several things next year including a weekend away with Rob at a music festival in Cambridge

Got rid of a chunk of the games collection to clear dead wood and to generate Amazon credit for xmas shopping

And aknowledging that I had an issue with the Thursday game that has been spoiling it for me, now after some discussions with the guys on Facebook I am on a break until the new year (my idea) and by then I'll have the changes I think will make reffing easier for me and to make it easier for the players as well - so as far as I am concerned that is that, we'll see how things run in 2013

Now for the rest

Still not drinking - will be back with beer in hand 21.12.12 (the day I break up for 2 weeks and the traditional 'mob get together before xmas')

I am jumping on the Mantic wagon (Local Wargames and boardgame firm in Bulwell) they make good stuff that isn't GW (I have to sell my kidney to get the latest figs)  prices and have fantasy, Sci fi (a little 40k) wargames with really good figs and also a 'Blood Bowl' game as well as a board game series

Going to get some of their stuff so I can kick things off in 2013 (still be getting the occasional bit of GW scenery as they're fantastic and mostly not that expensive)

Some other things going on in my new head but some of that I'm keeping to myself and some things aren't fully fleshed out yet

Feeling better and better every day

J

And here we are again

So thngs that have happened

weight is still coming off - almost certainly going to hit target ( and then some)

Going to put my plans for hitting the gym on hold for a while for a couple of reasons

              Firstly I can't really justify it at the moment, I mean I'm still losing weight and I haven't even started on home calesthenics or even walked as far as I can prctically do before or after work - so where is the sens in paying a monthly fee to go to another building across the street to do a load of stuff I can do at home. So got some handles for push ups off Amazon (£6) got that piece of inspiration from Dels Amazon wishlist of all things and Rob is giving me some free weights - Little Room a gym? - and the program goes on

              Secondly I'm concerned abouit my knee (the bad one) sometimes it locks or seems to catch and then release which is a little unbalancing also the hernia (both to be checked in the new year regardless as they are in the way)

Work is crap!!!!!!!!

My job is undoable (in the larger sense) an impossible to do I think normally and we don't have apprpriate resources for it anyway - so I plod along every day going through the motions achieving little and trying to ignore the futility of it all

When I started this plan of mine it wa incredible the buzz you get off changing things for the better and seeing people looking at you differently and feeling better more confident

Now it's calmer and I still have the confidence but I'm more measured and every day become more certain that the path I'm on is right

Gaming

I have some issues (insert obvious joke here)

Not with Sundays thats great

It's Thursdays - I sometimes dread the idea of reffing it and sometimes just spend Friday angry because of it

Last Thursday is a fantastic example - I have 5 players 3 of them I have been gaming with for than 20 years and the other 2 for about 10 maybe

3 of the players don't know all of their character abilities they make assumptions about what they can do and when thats shown to be wrong they take a poke at me for pointing it out

In my opinion the GM is supposed to ref the plot, the NPC's (including Monsters)  and the fights and ride the rules (changing them when that has to be done

The players are responsible for creating, maintaining and playing the characters they bring to the table

some of these players don't and have on occasion said they expect me to monitor their charactesr for them (once they said they wanted me to take notes for them I said no (actually said more words than that and I think some of them were rude))

So anyway Friday was an angry day - and by lunchtime I'd come to the conclusion that I was going to try and compromise and make things better and if things weren't showing signs of improvement in the next 6 months that was it no more campaign and hanging up my reffing boots

On the way home I thought of something, well 2 things actually, I have been roleplaying for over 31 years now and reffing for most of them, now I may not be a brilliant ref (but I think that good refs should always be insecure about it and my players keep turning up so must be doing something right) but no body has the right to force me to give up something I love as much as this game - so they bloody well won't I won't let them

and secondly I used to write out a 'combat pack' a summary of rules stuff and campaign material that is used as a reference tool - the theory was that people learn by doing and by writing out (yes handwriting) the pack I got a better grasp of the rules and reffed better - now 1 of the thursday nighters doesn't own the rules and some of them just don't read the ones they should do so once more the pack is created (this time on the PC thank God) hopefully this will go some way to fixing the problem

Also if some of these slips of theirs happen and cost them I am not going to be cutting them any slack (we'll see if this kicks things back on track)

Christmas is coming and so is my 43rd year of dodging death on this planet

On the 27th December a sect group of people have been invited to the flat to play Talisman (it's my birthday and I'll play Talisman if I want to) after (about 6ish) I think we are going to the Tap and Tumbler - and I will be in my favorite pub for the evening take over the juke box and partyay and stuff - this will also be the start of me spending mre time at the Tap - I realise that it's not everybodys cup of tea but it is mine and some of the old Tap crowd have started drifting back so once a month I will be 'striking out on my own' to reestablish old ties anyone is more than welcome to join but it will be loud and dark and hopefully like the old days)

as for the flat some shelves are up, I'm going to look at carpet tiles early next year and maybe some redecorating (I am getting  alittle sick of white walls everywhere)

oh and got a Kindle Fire HD this week it is by far the coolest thing I have ever owned

That is all

seeya next time

Jules

Not been on for a while so update

Last week I bled again, looks like a 'pile' ruptured (thats what the Doctor said and the way that the bleeding differed from before and the fact that I've already been cleared of Cancer and the like means not terribly worried ...... Now

Last week almost in tears - it scared the hell out of me - hopefully now it's burst and if I'm careful I can avoid it in the future but still

Anyhoo - recent choice to get some holes filled in my Stephen King Collection led me to think about Authors I loved and have stopped reading for no other reason that it was too much hastle to admit I read them at all - what with the moaning that happens well fuck that

I decide what I read and by whom so Eddings, Feist, Jordan, Hamilton, and Herbert (frank that is) all get added to the 'actually buying real books for the shelves' list

So at the end of this month Me and Rob are going to put shelves up and then they are going to get filled :)

Not drinking between now and say the 21/12/12 to help the healing process and with the weight loss

thats it for now

later people

J

realistically I can't afford to do all I'd like to do next year so the definately going to try and do (more if money allows)

May - Conquest Derby
July - Cambridge Folk Festival
August - Whooverville 5
September - Games Day

And at some point I'm hoping that Iron maiden plays Notts and I'll be going to that

If cash allows I'd like to go to a Larp event (probably The Gathering)

going to start going to Warhammer World as both picking up LOTR Strategy and maybe Warhammer/40K (as I already have stuff for that)

I will be slowly putting on my comic collection and some of the games collection to help finance the above stuff

J

So the 'Flat' Plan (new)

Little room is now going to be the library/storeroom officially - no need to redecorate as it's just for surplus

Bedroom going to set up a table in there and do most of my figure painting in there - moving stereo into there with Cd's/DVD's and certain of my non gaming books will be shelved in there 'on display' - will need a record player and have seen one on Amazon which will do the job and allows you to record records as MP3s (Vinyl is coming back I tell you!!)

Walk in closet is to be emptied and for now will have hoover etc in there until I start accumulating camping gear (and perhaps LARP kit- still thinking that one over)

looking to have that panel off in the hall (well Rob is - he's been looking forward to that and hopefully if there is good enough wallage and space then some 'slat' shelving which will hold boxes of miniatures

Kitchen is going to be unchanged (apart from cookery gear)

Living room is going to be set up as a gaming den - all I do in here is play games and go online - it is ALL I do in here so why not just give into it - I think this place has to reflect my personality and I am a gamer first and foremost

actual decoration will take place in the new year but the sorting, cleaning and furniture moving will happen over the next 3 months

Looked at finacnes and I could afford to preorder the Kindle Fire HD buit would have to live like  pauper for a month to get there and I've done that before so no...

putting aside a chunk of  cash to soften the blow at the end of October (the thing comes out the day before I get paid annoyingly enough) can start Christmas shopping with the aim being that Decembers pay is just for me :)

The concept of 'work' (or at least the dump I work) simply something unpleasant I have to do to do stuff I like to do :)  (much happier after I got that running around my head peroperley)

Iron Maiden are touring next year and I think they  normally play Notts so going to see them

everything is in place and since I 'restarted' I've been getting slowly better at this responsible living lark

So tomorrow going to start the moving of stuff (excercise as well) and then we'll take it from there

J

Theres a reason for all this stuff I've been posting recently

1 Year ago yesterday my friend Keith Thompson (the man who introduced me to Rock Pubs/clubs, helped me set up the first RPG club I ran and was therefore respopnsible for me having a lot of the friends I have today) took his own life

I found out about that a couple of weeks before my health scare started and his death was on my mind the entire time I was ill

since I was cleared by the Doctors I have been 'thrashing around' trying to find I dont know what but the thought of my entire existence being 2 RPGs a week, work an occasional boardgame and 1 or 2 trips to the pub nearly bought me to tears

now thanks to increased confidence and clarity due to weight loss and some sage advice from my friends I have some ideas about what I can do to expand my horizons

have a list of things for next year and a lot of stuff I need to sort before I get to the first event which is Con - quest on May 4th in Derby (RPG/Boardgame/Boardgame con) just a one dayer but somewhere I can fill some gaps in my collection

Then nothing until August where I have Whooverville 5 (31/18/13) Doctor Who con 50th Anniversary year

Also Folk Festival in Ocfordshire thrown by Fairport Convention every year (this years featured Big Country and Joan Armatrading amongst others) and is a 3 dayer

finally there is the gathering which is a 3 day Larp event also in August

I think theres room for another gaming thing somewhere in the year but we'll see how the cash goes

so loads of planning to do and next year some travel and meeting loads of new people, before now I would be scared of all this as some of it will be me alone but sometimes you just got to do stuff  or resign yourself to the fact that what you are is all you are - I'd like to explore the possiblity that all I am is a start

The old Jules the one that let the pressures and problems of other pople grind him down recently met with an unpleasant accident

The New Jules is just settling in

J

It's been an odd week

Decided I hate my job, no wait thats not right I hate that I HAVE TO DO MY JOB TO LIVE

It's a rubbish job that acheives nothing and gets harder and more rubbish the closer we get to the massive and completely daft welfare reforms that are coming

In other words it's shit now and only gong to get worse

I can't see a way out short of lottery win or doing something outside of the box and try my hand at something else while I toil away at this waste of a massive chunk of my existence

I may try writing

This I realise may open me up to various levels of scorn and derision and thats just announcing I'm gonna do it (joke)

Frankly with everything thats gone on with me lately I am so far past worrying about that kind of thing it's unreal

'To your own self be true' it's time I fully embraced that

((Listening to Steeleye Span bit folky at the mo))

At the very least I get to do something that I think I might enjoy and I may even be good at it

what I know so far

Sources of fiction I think work well are things like World of Darkness, Harry Potter, Buffy, Supernatural, Stargate, Who, and Fringe and I think that is because if you link the fantastic to the mundane (what people know) they feel more related to the subject matter and characters so that s the genre I want to explore modern day, urban landscape and with a dark/fantastic side just on the other side of the 'mirror'

And thats as far as I've got (only really thought about this since last night)

Of course knowing my luck I'll sell a book and win the bloody lottery the same week

In other news

A while ago when the snows came and three friends almost got stranded at The Poacher talk was had of going to see live acts and the like - this is something I would like to explore however with xmas coming up fast and me trying to sort books from the US, a Laptop for RPG digital collection and I'm going to get a Kindle Fire HD I'm not sure about this year - I can link the two new devices and my Dexsktop and use them when I'm reffing so hopefully cutting down the amount of mad wheeling around between table, PC desk, and Sofa (or auxilliary table as it has become on Thursdays) Laptop is in process, the KFHD is looking more like a xmas prezzie for me rather than a get it when it's released thing, which is fine

noext year there is one games convention (derby), one who convention (derby across the road form the first one) and I've said I'm going to the gathering (we'll see) want to catch some gigs and there is a folk festival in Oxford I may try and get to (also Rob mentioned something about a folk festival a while back that had Jethro Tull at it and I can't remember which one, will have to ask him)

going to chill this weekend - going to spend the day with friends and catch up on figure painting and game paperwork - next weekend finish emptying the little room and start the sanding  (Sanding block and 10 sheets of paper/block in the pound shop, they may be rubbish but going to try them)

anywho breakfast and getting ready to go out now

J

post beering morning

I feel indescribably good - Hangover sure but last night was ace old friends surprise guests and basically I don't think anything short of a meteor strike can spoil this (looks up)

Going to get a kindle Fire HD as the reward for weight loss and stuff for myself as a Christmas Present (may be early)

The 'Who' room is actually going to be the 'Happy Room' it's going to be where I put stuff that for no reasion I can Identify makes me just smile Doctor Who Novels (and audios) , Fighting Fantasy Gamebooks, Tie in Novels (Star Wars, Trek and DND) and the latest addition is going to be rebuilding my record collection (thats RECORD) going to get Vinyl some fantastic art on those things

So next Saturday I'm booked but next Sunday I start the sanding (this weekend I have stuff to do)

Need to sort some record storage (do they do boxes?)

Little room by xmas

Then Bedroom (Rock/Prog theme album covers and posters (framed) on the walls in the new year

Pat Benatar on You Tube adds to mood

oh look my hangover just went away :)

right need to get £200 for the kindle and locate record fairs in nottingham (I'm sure there used to be some)

but for now Caffeine and lots of it :)

J

SO the weekend was ace (no pun intended)

Met/saw a load of people from Who and got autographs from Peter Perves, Katy Manning (she said my beard was nice and soft) and Louise Jameson who I think I have a crush on now *sigh*

But I was unprepared there were supposed to be photos to eb signed and there were none so I have a program signed by Perves, a calender signed by Katy Manning and a copy of the Novelisation of the horror of fang rock signed by Louise Jameson

It started slow and shaky but as the day went on I really got into it and as next years event is in the 50th Anniversary year I HAVE to be there it's that simple

So slowly ( and hopefully quite cheaply) I am going to start amassing Photos so I can get them signed by any who stars I run across

Spent the day with Toni and and we had a talk and we're friends and we are going to stay friends forever, the fact that it was the first time I got to hang out with her for a few hours and just talk made the day better. She says she's going next year and we will be better prepared

goign to start getting decorating stuff in at the end of this month Sander first then after we get the crappy current paint off I'll see what I'm doing with the decorating

The painting and shelving

Then Carpeting (Rob found a place in Daybrook that does remnants at a reasonable price)

I'm thinking Who stars photos in the Hall now get same size photos and ransack Wilkos etc for frames

Want to get that at least done by xmas

'sall for now

J

Okay I'm a Grognard (look it up)

After Mike Mearls comments at GenCon I've been thinking a lot about stuff

I'm going to be writing a project that I know most (all?) of the players I currently play games with won't be interested in but I want to write it - call it an intellectual excercise, a waste of time or whatever

Been watching footage from Gencon from Fantasy Flights perpective and just want to go to Gen Con (see what I can do about that)

FF has loads of brilliant games Card, Board and RPG out and if things continue the way they are I will never play any of them (and that will not do)

Firstly though considering WOTC are releasing the entire back catalogue of dungeons and dragons electronically it's forcing the issue about a device to carry around the obscene amount of books that Pathfinder right now involves

Ipad (nice but too expensive)

Netbook (nice but small)

Laptop - in order to do this I'm trying an experiment (cause I'm crap at saving

The Rule of 1 - every day I stick to the current level of diet and excercise (workday) I put a pound in a tin

The Rule of 20 - I have a savings account that takes £20/month from my main account (I usually use this at some point over the month)

The rule of 100 - every 100 pounds in the paypal account gets transferred out to my main account

Currently £1 in the tin (I only started yesterday) £20 in the savings account and (after 2 people pay for recent ebay purchases £72 in the paypal account

count in money out of my wages at the end of any given month I think I got a shot at the end of September to get a laptop - :)


oh and still hovering around 23.5 stone

J

WOTC

funny thing about WOTC - I'd more or less written them off (oh still picking up the occasional adventure on the cheap) and there miniatures are great (well the larger ones are) but with the whole 3.5 drowning in books with more options to keep track of and then 4th ed which was like a lit match in a room full of really explosive stuff (for reasons I still don't entirely understand) I thought they were going the way of the dodo

Then I watched the keynote address for Gen Con 2012 and my mnd has been changed (somewhat) they're saying they are going to re release all previous D&D/AD&D products for all editions and settings in electronic format (if you know me you can imagine how large my smile was at that point)

They've already re released 1st ed (core books) and the covers for 3.5 re releases are on their website

Mike Mearls was saying that they are going to set the system so. for example, if you like Vancian Magic (standard D&D) 4th ed with daily powers or Spell points (ACME anyone?) you can as they plan on putting all three in the new system as options

They are using Forgotten Realms as the initial main setting but they are going to be doing something with the other settings (Dark Sun, Eberron etc)

They are going to 'put the realms right' with an event called The Sundering' which is going to be detailed in 6 novels coming out next year I think the last one of which is written by Ed Greenwood (who was at the keynote)

They acknowledged the fact that players in the realms had complianed about NPCs overshadowing what the players characters do in the game and want to move things away from that

I'm going to monitor how things are going to go but I'm interested

And of course ..... I have a plan :)

J

Listening to Clannad 'Macalla'

The theme this coming month is organisation

Better financial plaaning so I can go out when I want

putting a think black line between work and home because the work thing is beyond a joke now so it is merely tool

Been thinking about what I want to do with my life long term and I've come to the conclusion that I still don't know on the level of career etc so what I'm going to do is concentrate on my reffing

I want the games to be better run (ALL refs should want this anyway) but I want bells and whistles figures and scenery, music and sounds and I want to organise all that as well)

Got some ideas and starting work on them today

(If I do go back to OU I may take a creative writing course or something to compliment my gaming, and vice versa)

In other news - I am no longer going to Whooverville alone I am going to have some pleasant company along for the ride

I am now going out on the 24th August, Whooverville on the 1st of September and going out on the 7th (also been invited out on the 8th September as well) well I did want to go out more

Expecting Ultimate Equipment to come out in the next couple of weeks (Pathfinder hardbacks HAVE to be bought it's a rule)

as for the diet - as of this mornings weigh in I weigh 23.38 stone
I have lost 2.51 stone since I started this in May
I'm toying with the idea of starting the gym thing either in the New Year or when I hit 20 stone

2.49 stone until I hit my '5 stone by xmas' target

right now gonna catch the WOTC keynote from Gencon then go for the long walk to tescos (via 3 or 4 floors - gonna time it this week)

J

I'm going to do it

Just finished watching Fellowship (monday), Two Towers (yesterday) and Return of the King (just now)

The next campaign I'm going to run is going to be in Middle Earth

I want art on the walls
music
LOTR (games Workshop probably) figure accumulated over time and painted to match the film characters
I'm going to complete the history of middle earth (only have the first 3)

And I'm going to finance it by selling stuff on Ebay specifically for this purpose

gonna have to rip chunks out of Pathfinder to make it fit the setting

this represents a ton of work and it's going to take ages (but since Rob wants me to run my current campaign until I'm about ready to retire thats ok :P  )

going to start with Book of lost tales

"It is the Fourth Age of Middle Earth............."


J

Listening to Slash on November Rain

I've been afraid

For years I've been afraid of life, loss everything but I'm not anymore

The sorting out of the flat the losing weight everything is clearing and I'm not afraid anymore

I'm not talking about things and not doing them anymore

I'm happy

I love somebody and she doesn't love me and even thats okay

I don't know where this is going but I'm walking there with 'head and sword held high' (Princes of the universe in case you were wondering)

I'm heading off with a smile on my face

J

23.85 stone as of this morning and dropping

got an image in my head of how I want the new me to be (image, weight, flat everything) the details have been dodging me for some time but nailed it

got to draw up a shopping list for stuff for the flat (paints,decor etc)

lie to get the most of the flat done by xmas

like to be 20 stone 'at least' by xmas

I am quite optimistic

J

had a thought it's not since march I've been dieting and what not it's end (ish) of May

Still about 24 stone which is about 2 stone - giving it some welly this week though

I said I wanted to lose 5 stone by the end of the year and have lost 2 - 3 to go in nearly 5 months

probably can't afford the Ipad but still

doing bits of the flat one at a time first up the little room. working on a list of stuff needed and trying to get a load done before xmas

so need paint (and brushes etc), shelving (and helpers) and a piece of remnant (and someone who knows how to lay carpet)..... er .. easy :)

nd thats just the beginning

J

Had a thought - in about  3 weeks I have the August Bank Holiday week off. normally I would be determined to have a clear out and stuff like that but what if I get it done before then I could do what I want that week guilt free (with a certain level of excercise of course)

decided that I need more specific figures for the games Theo's got some really good DND miniatures Giants which I have coveted and I have one Eldritch Giant - looking on Ebay the giants are somewhat expensive but there are these Titans which are cheaper and one would imagine on the large side so they may do

Also need more Dragons (well you do don't you?)

and some cool Demons wouldn't go amiss :)


J

Yesterday a brand new Livingstone written (he has an OBE you know) Fighting Fantasy book released (on order)

on the way home to get me to walk for a change I decided to bribe myself by getting the book from waterstones whicvh is on the way home - on the way I went into the British Heart Foundation near Broadmarsh Bus Station and found a Doctor Who novel I haven't got - nice condition £1.25 score!!

walk home wasn't very awful and the occasional visit to Waterstones will help

At some point I'm doing the Charity Shop Run

Bus into Arnold and start opposite the Library

Walk the length of Arnold looking in Charity shops (last time I did this I found Genestealers)

then bus (or walk if I'm feeling brave) into sherwood and do the shops there

then bus (or walk) into town and plot out some charity shops there

then collapse in pub somewhere

there are a few bookshops along the way as well thinking about it

J

It gets worse

Started thinking about the whole flat as a home for my interests instead of keeping to some conventions

Music and DVDs in Bedroom Shelving to go up and Music art posters etc for decoaration

Games (RPG/Board/War) in the front room campaign maps and fantasy art to decorate (had my eye on a massive canvas on amazon with Gandalf vs the Balrog on The Bridge at Khazad Dum for some time)

Little Room - Doctor Who/Tolkien and ...Fighting Fantasy Gamebooks (I Know!!) I used to love staying up late listening to the radio and doing the books with maps I'd draw out - some whoism and an Armchair I think in there

I may turn the area behind a mysterious panel I have in the hall into figure storage

there will be much measuring and listing and pricing of stuff this weekend and then we can begin

weight is still being lost

My outlook on life is still improving

Things .... Are .... Good....   (looks up expecting anvil)

J

down to just over 24 stone - going good with another working week coming up confident to be under that in a few days)

Ebay comics that didn't sell last time re listed

sorting out little room and got a pile of gaming stuff to go on ebay soon

Shifting board games from little room to closet and identified some for ebayage

Keeping some for old times sake but it looks like I don't really have a use for them anymore so they're gone

didn't get a vast amount done yeterday cause of sinus sbaotage but still got some done and lost weight

no got to get dressed, go shopping and catch up on paperwork

J

Ebay ran out today final tally

11 comica sold (2 of them to a guy in Austria)

about £24 plus 11 pounds postage which stays in paypal while I pay out of cash I have on this side for the postage

Paypal to be used to convert comics and games no longer needed into stuff I do want (probably an endless list of Doctor Who novels and CD's and then theres THE THREE!!!)

anyway next free listings weekend I'm going for the full 100 items

keep doing that until everythings gone or I get bored and I am Very Patient

J

I am a geek

Geeks are known usually by their interests

over the years I think I've tried to have too many so have to whittle them down a bit

RPGing stays forever

Boardgaming, well not done that in a while and not fussed these days still got some faves and some of them Iwant to play at some point again but hardly a priority anymore

Wargaming - going to try out Kings of War and Warpath see how that goes

CCG's - Never again

Stopping collecting comics and going to flog the ones I've got 'though it takes me a thousand years' and convert them into one of the others

still picking up the occasional graphic

Definately going to start doing the Doctor Who events, new friends and all that

going to hit some RPG cons same reason

although I've read lovecraft for years never deeply got into it so may try that CoC campaign as well

going to start going to gigs (I think the kids call them)

really just going to be more active and do different stuff

Think that covers it

ONWARD!!!!!!!!!

J

In recent years I've had a lot to think about, not going into too many details but the stuff I want to talk about is quite simple

Where do I go from here?

Got a place in Nottingham City Centre which I have failed to take proper advantage of (mostly down to the bad diet thing, causes loss of motivation apart from anything else)

Couldn't think about what to do with my life and started an OU course more because I thought thats what I wanted to do years ago and it seems to be the right thing to do generally in life... to do what get a better job? to buy a house? (not likely considering prices and my age)

To travel the world? I'm looking at events in Wales next year and getting excited

I have a theory

Robs favorite saying "to thine own self be true" wise words but I'm not sure what my own self is

So I'm thinking about what I was doing when I was really happy years ago before I met the Britt monster and before Rise Park.

I was thinner

I was funnier

I enjoyed things more

and I was a massive Doctor Who fan

They say you can't go back, they say your too old for things like Doctor Who ....... I think they're wrong

I'm getting thinner (slowly), my sense of humour is coming back, and I'm going to Who things up from here on out

My hair is getting longer, I'm growing my beard more (in a good non bushy way) I'm going to Doctor Who Events starting this September and I'm feeling great about all this

In a year or so I'm going to think about university and things of that nature (by that time I'm going to be thinner)

J

I'm going to do this weight loss thing and I'll tell you for why

As the time goes past for the most part I feel better.. much better than I have in years, seriously

I've wanted to do some conventions for some time and for the most part my closer friends don't wanna so I've not done them either - not blaming anyone just thats the way it has been

But now I feel better and I'm not overly stressed about the travelling alone thing anymore

so thats going to happen :)

but also I've been digging around on the Big Finish site and have decided to get one of the Subscriptions to the Dr WHo audios - it's £70 for 6 months or £140 for 12 months - new releases are £14.99 on subscription it works out at £11.66 each

Can't afford it this month as I'm improving my cooking facilities

someone at work pointed me in the direction of a group of Doctor Who fans based in the midlands called the Whoovers and they throw their own con called Whooverville with gusets and everything (this year has Leela, previous ones have had Colin Baker and Sylvester Mccoy) so con in Derby on September the 1st (keeping an eye on this)

want to go to a massive fantasy con in Brighton next year for a proper Holiday (expensive but I've not had a holiday in about 12 years)

SO the fact that all this is going to cost some capital means that if I stick to the diet I save money and the more weight I lose the better I feel

Onward!!!!

J

In about 7lbs I will be 24 stone which is what I weighed in January when I went into hospital and the lightest I've been this year

J

I love RPG's met most of my friends through RPG's and I still have a great time playing

Like Boardgaming as well but thats complicated at the moment but still mostly fun

Like online gaming as well tend to do it solo but still

Getting into Wargaming (Kngs of War rather than Warhammer for financial reasons only)

However I want something thats just mine something I can come home and just do so I'm going to gear up the Doctor WHo collecting thing (I know I've said this before) I'm flogging gear on Ebay to finance the thing for the most part (already got just short of 50 comics on with 2 being watched and 1 bid with 9 days to go) last time I did that I earnt twice the amount I paid for them in the first place

But this means my Warhammer stuff (things that I can't use for RPG scenery, monsters etc) so stacj of books and some 40k stuff is going on

It's like swapping out one collection for another

So it's the BBC books/Virgin books novels before the series relaunch

The BBC books released since the relaunch

And big finish Audio stuff (which I love)

I enjoy getting them nearly as much as I enjoy reading/listening to them it's great!!!

J

Day slower than expected

Morons on Glasshouse Street decided to start screaming at each other at just before 5am and got me up so started day ..... and was back in bed about 8ish woke up before 12 and there went the morning but shopping now done and the shifting to be done soon

since the fitness thing is up and running turning thought to other things

In august I've been in the flat for 2 years (last itme I lived on my own for this length of time I ended up an alcoholic basket case- doing somewhat better this time it has to be said) but the point is I ahve the option to buy the flat after 5 years.

I'm 42 (currently) out of shape and will be 45 by the time I could go for a mortgage - it's tempting to just rent and avoid the hassle but we'll see

I'm sorting kitchen appliances this month and shelving next month with carpeting as a sort of ongoing thing, a sort of keep an eye out and grab any opportunity that arises

Next year I'm branching out, wanting to go to Gen Con in the states but with prices being what they are may not be possible but as a back up theres games expo and Paizocon Uk which are weekend events and theres a new Doctor Who experience opening in Cardiff ... ooh the more I type the better this sounds - cool

Going to start shifting the entire comic collection onto ebay for whatever I can get for them those funds are going to be switched for maybe replacement graphics but definately Big Finish Audios cause they are really good and I love listening to them while I'm writing or painting or whatever - also going on is pretty much all my 3rd ed DND stuff and some ods and sods from  the games collection (streamlining)

SO weight loss, Flat modification, ebaying good times ahead

J

Okay from Monday 6am to 6am this morning I've lost about 9 and a half pounds

here we go into the weekend

tomorrow I expect another loss, normally Sunday it would be a gain but I ahve a plan

I have shelves at Robs that will come over and somepoint and will need to go up so the little room needs clearing, to do that I need to sort the closet and box/unbox/rebox a load of stuff

some furniture moving also is necessary (shoulder permitting)

So Friday Read new Kings of War rules and perhaps glue figs

Saturday do next weeks full shop early morning and spend the day sorting stuff and perhaps more figurey goodness in the evening

Sunday catch up on game type paperwork scan and experiment with printing floorplans on card and start notes on next dungeon for mine which may be coming back ssoner than expected - Sunday night rollup session for Dels new game

I expect some slippage but it's about damage reduction - besides if the weather keeps up I can swim to Basford

now for Soup

J

So far this week I've lost 7.92 pounds

Tuesday lunchtime had a bit of a crash but got over it and I substituted a cup o soup this morning instead of bread (ran out) and today I've been mostly fine

Just bought a swanky looking toaster and a load of bagels (just fancied bagles for some reason) so back to the bread in the morning with the fruit

modifying as I go along is working nicely and it suddenly struck me that for the first time for a while I'm sitting at home feeling okay after work it's cool

see how the rest of the week goes but cautiously optimistic

J

So heres the thing I have achieved very little in losing weight because of the bloody weekends of all things

I weigh myself every day only so I can keep track of the process and I discovered that even after a night out with the lads I lose weight and then because I drew a line somewhere between work and my personal life I do very little at the weekends and almost exactly wipe out any progress I've made

If you looked at my weight on a weekly basis it would look almost exactly like there is no progress at all

so plan - on Staurday morning as I get up bloody early anyway I'm going to walk to work like I do every weekday and then go shopping and stuff to try and keep active

On sunday just gonna go for a walk maybe Bugmans for lunch or something

anyway from Monday Morning to this morning I lost 2 kilos

Was okay most of the day but I was a bit wobbly for about 45 mins around lunchtime but I'll eat more fruit or something

If I can keep the momentum up I can do this

Still determined

And to think that I was worried about the beer being the issue

J

So I put weight back at the weekend, but I think I figured that out

It's easier to lose weight when at work because there is structure, I treat the weekends as completely seperate and so while I behave at work at the weekend I lose it a little - this will not do

so starting ..well..now I treat every day like a work day in that I get up whenever breakfast and eat stuff of the same type and at the same kinda time - well see how that goes

Tmorrow I'm off for a day and I'm leaving the alarm set and will do a sorta work day - only insterad of work I'm gonna watch buffy, paint figures, re read and write out Boris (as I made an incredible cock up of things recently) - if only you could do this for a living

so tonight I've not been able to get on Faceboks as much as I wanted for no reason I can figure (the damn thing won't load most of the time) so sorry about that

Off to finish the day with south park

Later People

J

okay update

lost about 5.5 lbs this week (been shakey around the week I had off and backpedalled a bit but now marching on)

The blood sugar thing is coming along  (was a little shakey yesterday but soup solved that)

so thats working

walking more and forcefully, until Doctor gives go ahead for gym thats it for now but things are happening slowly

but this isn't just about me

the flat needs some attention what with health scares and realisation of how unfit I really am and things have been neglected but no more

Rob and MMM are giving me shelves which means the schedule thing can stay as I wanted but still Cooker main goal at the end of July

Thanks to Suse and Debs reminding me abviout that little carpet place in Arnold near the Robin I think the carpetting shall happen end of August/September time

If I get this stuff sorted by xmas I shall be happy

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Getting Kings of War this coming week got some people to agree to play round the flat so we'll see how that goes

Taking a brief break from reffing on Thursday and Brians doing a few weeks of Star Wars (WEG) which should be fun

erm

Still don't have a love life

Not sure I need one if I was to be honest, the lack of one sometimes gets to me but very rarely (been on my own for coming up on 19 years now guess I'm used to it)

All in all I think things are coming together nicely

J

Quick nod to previous post

Still doing and feeling better day by day (works still rubbish though)

Right no waffling on

Phase 1 end of July outfit kitchen properley - proper cooker, pans, spice racks and at least one doohickey I will put in a cupboard and never use

Phase 2 end of August SHELVING

Overall concerns - need to sort out floors and have a sneaking suspicion that I need a new bed
can't find a carpet website where it isn't going to cost me hundreds to get the place sorted but still looking

later people

its a funny thing
I was unemployed for 13 years during the 80's and 90's and got used to things like not having breakfast and lunch

that was when I was younger, these days that means a lot of things

these days it means that after a day at work I feel like crap

this has been going on for a few years

when you don't eat right (in my case) you feel bad, that means tired, nervous, paranoid, physically ill, shaky and quite frankly hopeless

I didn't realise that would efect my outlook and behaviour  - net result is that I spend a lot of time being bummed out about things that in the final analysis don't really matter as much

Now thanks to MMM and Rob I realise that if I keep to a proper food plan I will be a normal life

It scare the hell out of me that I may have spent the last few years being an  asshole because I didn't eat enough apples

I now know after modifying my daily diet that I can be better

I have been today

I have said before that I would change my ways

I'm not doing that now

I'm just doing

J

restarted weight loss thing cause I screwed up last week but thats okay lesson learnt

found a band I'm going to listen a lot to Halestorm (I think on a minor level I wanted to go to download but didn't bother telling myself so making up for it

Last Post payday piss up I switched to cider for the night and I think it was nice especially when after asking Rob to pick a cider for me he came back with Green Goblin which is really nice

Been thinking about wargames again and the whole GW price thing and have come to a simple conclusion the scenery and most of the LOTR figs are okay but the mainstream WH and 40k stuff may just be too expensive to bother with - got some over the years and they get used in RPGs and stuff but thats about it

so what to do.......

Oh I know I got some Mantic stuff last year and Mark got me a load of figs for xmas - I dug them all out and found out that I have the following


Undead
15 zombies
40 Ghouls
74 Skeletons and 2 balefire catapults

Dwarves
25 Ironclads
20 Iron Watch
1 Iron Belcher (Siege Engine)

Elves
10 Scouts

10 Orcs

I have the pamphlet rules in the box set I got last year but the main rulebook is released on the 25/06/12

so seems clear really

Been falling into bad habits again

spending time worrying about the fact that time is slipping away it's annoying and caused by me not having enough to distract me so the new project is starting early

I writing a Middle Earth Pathfinder campaign

I want maps and stories and poetry (I may learn Calligraphy)

but the thing I want most is the right figure for the right job, luckily GW have not massively put up the LOTR minis (normal ones that is)

I have some figs already and as it's going to be ages until it gets run I have time to amass

all I know so far is that it's set in the fourth age and I have some vague ideas about villains (not the old villains but new and relatively shiny ones)

loads of reading, painting and plotting and it'll keep me occupied

J

Well, coming to the end of my break

Weight loss basically massive fail - a mixture of terrible weather, Monday when I couldn't get the enthusiasm to do anything and a massive alleergy thing at the end of the week and it was all a bit rubbish

Looking forward to getting back to work tomorrow just so I can get back on program

Went to the docs about my hernia and shoulder - hernia should be okay if I don't overdo any working out but wants it sorted anyway (howeve he has some doubts that they'd operate if I was at my current weight class so thats a bit dumb)

However he said the shoulder thing is probably a trapped nerve in my neck and it wouldn't be good to strain that so the gym thing is on hold for now

Been looking at increasing the walking thing to compensate for lack of gym and found that they have a 'health walk'  at the Victoria Embankment (which I've never been to)

http://www.nottinghamcity.gov.uk/CHttpHandler.ashx?id=8993&p=0

Was going to go this week but I may have drowned

So walking to and from work daily and trying something like the health walk on Saturdays maybe and see how that goes

Got some of the list done and some more to come today

I need to tighten things up and not be so distracted by things

WH 40K new edition is coming out on the 23rd by the looks of it so a perfect chance to jump on

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

REMOVED

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So back to work tomorrow, back on the weight loss thing

Focussing on getting things moving with regards to what I want to do with my life as work, and occasional gaming isn't cutting it frankly

Basically ONWARD!!!!!!!

J

Start of a 9 day break and of course there are things I want to do

Usually this is a pointless excercise as I generally sit around and do nothing (except put weight on)

So I made a list of things to do it's about 18 things long ranging from sorting out parts of the flat to finally painting Boris

I have my list of things and by god I'm gonna get them done

------------------------------------------------------------------------

In other news I overheard someone at work yesterday talking about the unlimited cineworld card and I thought 'hey now I'm not wallowing in misery anymore then why don't I' so I did the printout is in the kitchen waiting to get used and theres about 4 films I wanna see at the moment so at some point in the next few days films (actual cinema going) are being watched

I woke up at 5.20am today which is crap

but while I was poking at the internet I found an old school TSR players page on FB and requested to join - while checking out the members I found one of them was usng a picture from an old 1st ed module (Lost Caverns of Tjosocanth I think) the one with the Vampire woman lying on a slab in armour and sword and the pic took me back somewhat (and you know how much I love old school DND) thing is we don't 'do' that anymore so heres the deal

I have over the years talked about doing my own conversions of these things and I'm gonna draw up a short list of mods to do

Now before someone points out that there are conversions online they aren't my conversions and I want to do them myself just for the fun - they may get played they may not but if I enjoy them why the hell not!!

The usual supsects are there G, D Q - the 'horror' mods and that kind of thing

(just been approved on the FB group a minute ago)

got the mods in PDF but want the real thing so if anyone has them lying around and would like to donate (or for a reasonable price) let me know

I think each conversions going to have a drawn out map of the dungeon and (if I can) get monster figures for the monsters in the game (which will make things cooler and build the collection of figures I want)

I've got some old DND mods around the flat - I'm gonna start with one of those and see how it goes

right plan for today

Cleaning
pop into arnold to score some paints
painting

possibly Avengers

Later People

Eurekas going and just found out that Sanctuary has been cancelled :(
However I may be on the long road to promotion at work (a road festooned with training courses and shadowing etc (if they ever get their fingers out))
I have, I dont think been this positive about the future and fixed on a course of action that can only be good for me in years
I have great weekend coming up and a new outlet for my free time that will allow me to meet loads of new people
plans for the flat waiting for stuff to be bought to make them happen 

things are I believe golden

Now have I forgotten anything

J

I'm not doing this for her

I'm not doing this for anyone but me

She's not interested in me and she'll find someone else and I refuse to waste time on the whol unrequited love thing, it's counter productive

Feelings in a box and put away

concentrating on moving forward

feel better for that

7 and a half pounds lost (approximately as the scales show different results on an uneven floor) can and will do better

going to Comic Mart next Saturday with Langley followed by Games Workshoppy goodness and pub

nice

:)

and it continues........

talked to my technical director (Rob) about the shelving plans last night and he says it's a goer (gotta start stockpiling shelving stuff soon)

More I think about it the more I want to get into the Warhammer thing so tomorrows plan after the usual chores is to spend the day sorting painting and glueing - popular rumor has it that the 6th edition 40k is out first week in July or there abouts so thats the jump on point for that (another big box o figs?)

Rock/metal posters in the bedroom (gonna start shoppng around for them - want really big ones if possible)

comic mart on the 26th (looking for Doctor Who stuff really)

usual pub thing in the evening (oh did some research and found that Cider has usually less calories than the beer I usually drink so switching as of now)

Assessment nonsense at work on monday (waste of bloody time but mandatory)

plan for tonight after dinner is music and Diablo 3

:)

Addition to yesterdays blog

okay so I have an RPG/Doctor Who/Crisis opn infinite earths poster thing going on in the living room with only room for one more poster (2 if over the TV unit as well)

Hall I'm not sure about it's very narrow and therefore decoration seems a little pointlees to me

My bedroom is going to be Rock posters/Album covers I think (that'll start at the end of the month)

Little room is going to be Library /Figure Storage (so at some pont I have to lure Rob round with his drill after I've accumulated shelving supplies)

Still not entirely sure about the floors - carpeting would be really expensive and I'd have to move the furniture into an extradimensional space in order to do it - thought about carpet tiles but a lot of the same problems - so brings back to rugs I suppose

Kitchen gear needed for new lifestyle thing

Toaster, Blender, Microwave, Cooker (proper one), Slow Cooker? (and various kitcheny stuff that I should have but don't mixing bowls and the like (plus apparently a mortar and pestle, blame Ainsley not me)

this is the plan

planning now start accumulating stuff end of next week on payday

Excellent

Direction is key for this process "to thine own self be true" is one of Robs favorite sayings but I wasn't sure what that meant to me

I've been thinking that I may have been over thinking this

The University course thing - I suddenly realised I didn't know why I was doing any of it that along with the illness stress and the infection I picked up after the operation and I put it on hold

But if you boil it down to basics who am I?

I know who I was before I gave up

I was a long haired rock fan who gamed

I liked me then

It's a start

Thats what I'm going to be aiming for I think

Started a new life recently

Started eating better and watching calories, started walking to work in the morning as the first part of a process that will end in walking to and from work every day and going to the gym 2 or 3 times a week

I've lost about 3 pounds since last Wednesday (which is what I'm calling the day I drew a line the sand)

I feel happy

So far (and I know it's early) it's been easy because at the end of this road I see a few things happening and I want them to and I think I can ... no I know I can make it there

My friends are the difference between this time and the times before when I have said such things

I asked one question (is it feasible to lose 5 stone in 7 months) and they came out and gave me advice and support which made me happy - before I tried to do this stuff on my own and I can't do that (it turns out) - but I covered that in an earlier post

Work is crap £9.5m debt in the particular area I work that I and the team I'm on have to try and recover and the biggest obstacle is work itself, crap policies terrible management and pointless restrictions make the job virtually impossible and because of upcoming changes to the benefits systems it's going to get much worse

It doesn't matter, I used to care and feel some pride when we got back some of the larger debts but no more

The Job is just that now a means to an end - it's a period of time daily that I can't do things I would rather do but thats okay

I have feelings for someone - I think about her daily and I've been told that shes not interested because I'm too fat and unhealthy for her (Quote) there is a chance I suppose that I'm actually doing this for her on some level - in any case what she said didn't actually change the way I feel about her

I know I'm a putz but hey

So I made myself a deal 5 stone gone and I get to buy a load of games stuff guilt free with whatever funds I've saved by that point - 5 stone because it's about halfway down to what is a much healthier weight for me

So the 2nd 5 stone - you'll like this - Gencon Indy 2013 in Indianappolis (at least thats the plan) is the carrot at the end of that particular stick

So from about 6AM Wednesday Morning to 6.30AM Saturday morning I lost about 3 pounds thats with changing the diet and walking to work - next week starts 3 weeks of same diet and walking to and from work - then I have a week off work at the start of June, the week after that I arrange my induction at Victoria Leisure Centre and start the gym thing

It'll be Saturday Mornings at the gym with Rob and Mark and when I get up to 2 trips per week I'll go Wednesday after work

Basically I'm happy and optimistic - which is nice

J

Been thinking about this week and I have a theory

When my gran died a few years ago my friends rallied but the family said we must suport my brother but ultimately you have to deal with these things alone don't you

Then when that business with my brother kicked off in 2009 again it was must support matt from the family and my friends didn't know what to say about any of it (I don't blame them what can you say) so again dealt with it mostly on my own

And that I think is the problem I got into the habit of trying to deal with everthing on my own and you can't sometimes you need help

This week my friends have rallied and given me some great advice about eating right and the like - I have a low fat recipe book on the way and a good idea of what I'm going to be doing so I'm far more positive about everything (not the false positive feeling I convince myself I have then forget about)

Eating right, June starts the gym lots of walking, sort out the flat and at the end of this part of it I get a new ipad if I'm good

sounds like a plan

Things are a learning experience

"it's all experience points" Rob used to say until after a few thousand times of saying it he was savagely beaten ;)

The weekend and the serious black cloud I've been under since has taught me that I do actually have deep seated issues with my weight that I may have been burying ...until Mark lit the blue touch player

So all I have to do when this whole thing kicks off end of the first full week in June I reckon all I have to do is overcome my apparent emotional issues, and my inherant fear of ridicule and inertia to change my whole life and well ...fix me

I know I've said things like this before but this week has been different

So massive hill to climb

I may need help

J

Bad weekend  - I went from feeling on top of the world straight down to feeling more useless and pathetic than I can remember feeling in years

Bloody ridiculous really I'm fairly sure he didn't mean any harm but I was furious then I was miserable

I hate myself for reacting that way

And I'd rather not think about it ever again, but you learn from these things or you let them destroy you

And I'm too bloody stubborn to be beaten by the likes of this

I'm keeping a copy of the facebook post I put on weeks ago after I got back from the pub

Usually I delete these things as they tend to be a bit embarassing but the one below felt good to get off my chest (I think I'd been bottling that up for a while) so I'm keeping this one so I don't forget :)

okay here we go - the answer to the question "whats Jules problem anyway"

way back when I was 16 there was a girl (my first love)
turbulent times follow for a couple of years and the she leaves me (first love leaving blues)
in the mean time I ran into another girl (who I still think is one of the most beautiful and wise women I've ever met)
Then girl one comes back and I left the Wise Woman (whi...ch was stupid) that
caused pain and a little later the first girl left me again (as she was wont to do)

Time passed and I ran into another woman I loved (seriousy) things went wrong and not only did we break up but I also lived in the same house with the ex and had to live with her and her new beau whilr I was living under their room (you can imagine what happend) eventually I left the house

Since then I have been terrified to let anyone close enough to hurt me like that again

For 19 years

Now things have changed - I have one vice that I'd like to get rid of I like a cigar after a few beers and tonight I went from the pub surrounded by freinds to go to the tap where I know there are cigars on sale

The point is, now I want to get on and find someone but still have the fear

Things maybe on the up but I still have the fear - I care about someone deeply but after 19 years I'm afraid of not her betraying me ( I trust her) but for me letting her down because of my issues

I have to find a way out of this

JSee more

 ·

• • 
    

    Elaina Healey therapy? im not trying to be an ass here, i think therapy may help with ur issues, i did therapy in the past, it was good for me
    

    8 April at 01:45 ·
  • 
    

    Julian Cooper not quite at the therapy stage here yet m'love - I've taken a beating but not yet given up - I still believe in love
    

    8 April at 01:48 ·  · 2
  • 
    

    Elaina Healey good for you then! im glad u still believe in love! i wish u much luck with it :))))
    

    8 April at 01:49 ·
  • 
    

    Julian Cooper you to darlin x
    

    8 April at 01:50 ·  · 1
  • 
    

    Elaina Healey xx
    

    8 April at 01:50 ·
  • 
    

    Julian Cooper Night all
    

    8 April at 04:39 ·
  • 
    

    Elaina Healey Nighty Night Julian
    

    8 April at 05:27 ·
  • 
    

    Krista Sadler the thing is that you have to stop yourself becoming a part of someone else and remember that people will do what they want wether you trust them or not. i like to watch how people treat others before i will let them anywhere near me as it's a fairly good indication of how they will treat you when the loved up phase is done. But then saying that i have no trust or confidence in people either so i don't think anyone is getting through my wall anytime soon. I suppose you just need to feel the fear and do it anyway and remember that it takes two seperate, whole beings to make a relationship work and if it doesnt work it's not the end of your world, just another of lifes lessons to learn from....observe it all, bless it all, release it all and only you can win. The past is just that, think about what you learned, keep it if it was useful and move on. One day i may even take my own advice lol x
    

    8 April at 08:42 ·  · 1
  • 
    

    Margaret-Mary Martin Having known you through all this I point out how far you've improved your life in so many ways since Number 3. Look at your job, your flat, your friends etc etc. I don't think the occasional cigar is your biggest problem - the 'few beers' may be worse...I'm always looking for walking companions at the minute so if you ever want to go out in the country - or walk down the canal give us a ring ...or a message
    

    8 April at 10:00 ·  · 1
  • 
    

    Suse Hammond-Pears It is a terrible thing to live in the shade of the past. It is suffocating and ultimately self defeating, because what has been and gone cannot ever be changed no matter how much time and misery we feed it. The only thing that can change is how we view it. The second thing to point out is that other people are separate beings even when so deep in a love affair that there is no breath without them. They can and will be unkind, impatient, stupid and occasionally destroy your entire reason for being with a single look. This is normal. The way to do it and live is to care for yourself. Give yourself credence and care and recognise when you've been miserable long enough and let yourself move along home now. Otherwise the cold from winter gone spoils the fruit of summer coming.
    

    8 April at 10:02 ·  · 1
  • 
    

    Maddie Hazel Martin ‎-hugs- Things can get better. And they will. I love you Uncle Jules.
    

    8 April at 10:11 ·  · 1
  • 
    

    Charlotte Rose Barker I can give you a glowing character reference if you like. In my humble opinion you've already figured it out. You have to love yourself first before others have much of a chance. If you build from a strong(er) foundation of confidence it gets much easier to let people in
    

    8 April at 11:44 ·  · 1
  • 
    

    Julian Cooper I woke up this morning and remembered the post I put on last night (beer will do that sometimes) and my first thought was to delete it and forget it ever happened - but it feels better to get it off my chest and considering the the responses if I could I'd frame it - thank you :) x
    

    8 April at 12:02 ·
  • 
    

    Charlotte Rose Barker ‎*hugs*
    

    8 April at 15:41 ·
  • 
    

    Julian Cooper ‎:)
    

    8 April at 15:43 ·
  • 
    

    Julian Cooper Right - drastic times and so on - at the end of April I'm going to see The Crucible (play) and then pub after - then I'm going to stop drinking for a period of no less than 3 months - still going out no beer - saving money, losing weight, no cigars - done this before and I can do it again :)
    

    9 April at 09:45 ·  · 1