Bad weekend - I went from feeling on top of the world straight down to feeling more useless and pathetic than I can remember feeling in years
Bloody ridiculous really I'm fairly sure he didn't mean any harm but I was furious then I was miserable
I hate myself for reacting that way
And I'd rather not think about it ever again, but you learn from these things or you let them destroy you
And I'm too bloody stubborn to be beaten by the likes of this
Monday 30 April 2012
Wednesday 25 April 2012
I'm keeping a copy of the facebook post I put on weeks ago after I got back from the pub
Usually I delete these things as they tend to be a bit embarassing but the one below felt good to get off my chest (I think I'd been bottling that up for a while) so I'm keeping this one so I don't forget :)
okay here we go - the answer to the question "whats Jules problem anyway"
way back when I was 16 there was a girl (my first love)
turbulent times follow for a couple of years and the she leaves me (first love leaving blues)
in the mean time I ran into another girl (who I still think is one of the most beautiful and wise women I've ever met)
Then girl one comes back and I left the Wise Woman (whi...ch was stupid) that
caused pain and a little later the first girl left me again (as she was wont to do)
Time passed and I ran into another woman I loved (seriousy) things went wrong and not only did we break up but I also lived in the same house with the ex and had to live with her and her new beau whilr I was living under their room (you can imagine what happend) eventually I left the house
Since then I have been terrified to let anyone close enough to hurt me like that again
For 19 years
Now things have changed - I have one vice that I'd like to get rid of I like a cigar after a few beers and tonight I went from the pub surrounded by freinds to go to the tap where I know there are cigars on sale
The point is, now I want to get on and find someone but still have the fear
Things maybe on the up but I still have the fear - I care about someone deeply but after 19 years I'm afraid of not her betraying me ( I trust her) but for me letting her down because of my issues
I have to find a way out of this
JSee more
way back when I was 16 there was a girl (my first love)
turbulent times follow for a couple of years and the she leaves me (first love leaving blues)
in the mean time I ran into another girl (who I still think is one of the most beautiful and wise women I've ever met)
Then girl one comes back and I left the Wise Woman (whi...ch was stupid) that
caused pain and a little later the first girl left me again (as she was wont to do)
Time passed and I ran into another woman I loved (seriousy) things went wrong and not only did we break up but I also lived in the same house with the ex and had to live with her and her new beau whilr I was living under their room (you can imagine what happend) eventually I left the house
Since then I have been terrified to let anyone close enough to hurt me like that again
For 19 years
Now things have changed - I have one vice that I'd like to get rid of I like a cigar after a few beers and tonight I went from the pub surrounded by freinds to go to the tap where I know there are cigars on sale
The point is, now I want to get on and find someone but still have the fear
Things maybe on the up but I still have the fear - I care about someone deeply but after 19 years I'm afraid of not her betraying me ( I trust her) but for me letting her down because of my issues
I have to find a way out of this
JSee more
I have my reasons for the sudden overhaul of my life most of which I've mentioned one I didn't (well I have to have some secrets)
But it's a good reason and probably joint first in importance with "not wanting to die early" (well earlier)
I have my hopes about that reason and I know how I want it to work out but I'm not sure it will - thats not a reason not to try
but vaguearies (is that even a word?) and bad grammar aside I'm picking up a set of bathroom scales this weekend (so I can keep track of little things like weight loss)
a few weeks and I start at the gym (providing we're not all swimming every where by then) stil feeling bloody positive about well everything really
2 days til the end of the week and payday weekend
nice
:)
But it's a good reason and probably joint first in importance with "not wanting to die early" (well earlier)
I have my hopes about that reason and I know how I want it to work out but I'm not sure it will - thats not a reason not to try
but vaguearies (is that even a word?) and bad grammar aside I'm picking up a set of bathroom scales this weekend (so I can keep track of little things like weight loss)
a few weeks and I start at the gym (providing we're not all swimming every where by then) stil feeling bloody positive about well everything really
2 days til the end of the week and payday weekend
nice
:)
Tuesday 24 April 2012
Regrets
I've got them by the bushel but I'm not going to whine on aboutm them (it's not part of the new me)
But one keeps coming back to haunt me
I used to have an impressive Doctor Who collection (well impressive for 1980's)
Over the years I've lost stuff, and stuff has broken and sometimes stuff has been stolen but the love was still there
I mean I used to trawl comic coventions and charity shops, bookstalls on markets and the classifieds
It was all meticulously catalogued and sorted and was glorious and somewhere along the way I stopped collecting on the same level
Now I find myself with space and a wage and the internet and the shows back and I can have one thing thats my own
I love gaming don't get me wrong and the whole social aspect of it is a massive part of that but I have this need to have something thats just for me
So I'm going to trawl the flat and gather the books and Cd's and anything else I can find and stack them on a black bookcase that I have put aside for the purpose
I have given some of these away to Maddie and there are more to come I'm fine with that
I'm talking about the expanded universe, the Audios and the current RPG ) not the computer games they never really got those right)
I think I'm going to enjoy this
PS there is another thing I regret but I'm going to handle that one quietly for the time being :)
I've got them by the bushel but I'm not going to whine on aboutm them (it's not part of the new me)
But one keeps coming back to haunt me
I used to have an impressive Doctor Who collection (well impressive for 1980's)
Over the years I've lost stuff, and stuff has broken and sometimes stuff has been stolen but the love was still there
I mean I used to trawl comic coventions and charity shops, bookstalls on markets and the classifieds
It was all meticulously catalogued and sorted and was glorious and somewhere along the way I stopped collecting on the same level
Now I find myself with space and a wage and the internet and the shows back and I can have one thing thats my own
I love gaming don't get me wrong and the whole social aspect of it is a massive part of that but I have this need to have something thats just for me
So I'm going to trawl the flat and gather the books and Cd's and anything else I can find and stack them on a black bookcase that I have put aside for the purpose
I have given some of these away to Maddie and there are more to come I'm fine with that
I'm talking about the expanded universe, the Audios and the current RPG ) not the computer games they never really got those right)
I think I'm going to enjoy this
PS there is another thing I regret but I'm going to handle that one quietly for the time being :)
Sunday 22 April 2012
Overall fairly happy with the week
Had this really odd good mood which generally increased until it was fantastic by the time I hot the weekend
Saturday morning I randomly found a blog set up by my brother who, for reasons I can't be bothered to go into anymore, I dont have any real contact with anymore
The blog basically blamed me for his current isolated life (it's really due to him making series of mistakes in his life that has led him to this point) but as it is his way to blame everybody except the real sourse of a problem then it was only to be expected - except I didn't
I know he's being trying to re establish ties with me (that weren't that strong before his mistake) but seems to think that messaging me on facebook like some 'bunny boiler' is the way to go
The simple fact is - and I know he reads this so I'm hoping this will explain things and finally he may realise that all this crap is doing is pissing me off - fact is until he shows some solid signs of getting out in the world and finding a Job (not easy these days but people are doing it), friends, a life and such wonderful normal things like that then I'm not remotely interested because Quite frankly using me as a fallback friend is counter productive
Yesterday morning after a brief rage episode where I messaged him and told him that what he'd done was wrong and that I was a little put out (used different words but trying to keep language reasonable for once) he deleted the blog - can't shake the feeling he's just set up somewhere else but hey
Funnily one of the points he made in his defence was that no one reads it - last night I found out that one of my 'inner circle' has actually been reading it keeping an eye on what bros been saying, because some of us still are concerned - but he has to move on and get a life
so anyway bad mood dissapeared and I got on with my weekend
got adapter from post office and tried laptop - it is really slow I'll have to do some software modification I think to get it running properly and franly I don't have the patience for that right now so it'll wait but still optimistic
Still optimistic about the whole getting fit and getting on with life deal - this feeling of optimism isn't going away and although usually I'm more cautious with statements like this (because it's usually when you say something like this that the universe kicks you in the genetalia but what the hell)
I really think I'm going to win this
Joinng the NCC employee fitness thing as it's only £16/month and I can walk down to Victoria Leisure centre and meet up with Mark and Rob at the weekends
Del and Suse go to the one across the road from me but from what I understand they go randomly and apparently regular human social interaction is good for you :)
Planning on Mondays, Wednesdays and Saturdays (eventually)
erm
System for Cthulhu/Hunter thing is going to be BRP (in other words the Cthulhu system) as chaosium are putting out 'generic' rpg material for it as well as cthulhu stuff and I do like their material
Had a meeting at work this week about the new benefits thing ' the universal cock up' as some are calling it
Business manager painted a picture that basically means after the benefits and council tax people are replaced or reassigned the only ones left will be Benefit Recovery (me) and appeals (Mark) and I got the impression that after the dust has settled it'll just be the 2 teams picking up the mess left by the UCU - but job security I suppose
So thats the news this week - the highlights of next week are going to see the Crucible on Friday and payday on friday as well - game tonight - game thursday
And of course more walking
Seeya
Had this really odd good mood which generally increased until it was fantastic by the time I hot the weekend
Saturday morning I randomly found a blog set up by my brother who, for reasons I can't be bothered to go into anymore, I dont have any real contact with anymore
The blog basically blamed me for his current isolated life (it's really due to him making series of mistakes in his life that has led him to this point) but as it is his way to blame everybody except the real sourse of a problem then it was only to be expected - except I didn't
I know he's being trying to re establish ties with me (that weren't that strong before his mistake) but seems to think that messaging me on facebook like some 'bunny boiler' is the way to go
The simple fact is - and I know he reads this so I'm hoping this will explain things and finally he may realise that all this crap is doing is pissing me off - fact is until he shows some solid signs of getting out in the world and finding a Job (not easy these days but people are doing it), friends, a life and such wonderful normal things like that then I'm not remotely interested because Quite frankly using me as a fallback friend is counter productive
Yesterday morning after a brief rage episode where I messaged him and told him that what he'd done was wrong and that I was a little put out (used different words but trying to keep language reasonable for once) he deleted the blog - can't shake the feeling he's just set up somewhere else but hey
Funnily one of the points he made in his defence was that no one reads it - last night I found out that one of my 'inner circle' has actually been reading it keeping an eye on what bros been saying, because some of us still are concerned - but he has to move on and get a life
so anyway bad mood dissapeared and I got on with my weekend
got adapter from post office and tried laptop - it is really slow I'll have to do some software modification I think to get it running properly and franly I don't have the patience for that right now so it'll wait but still optimistic
Still optimistic about the whole getting fit and getting on with life deal - this feeling of optimism isn't going away and although usually I'm more cautious with statements like this (because it's usually when you say something like this that the universe kicks you in the genetalia but what the hell)
I really think I'm going to win this
Joinng the NCC employee fitness thing as it's only £16/month and I can walk down to Victoria Leisure centre and meet up with Mark and Rob at the weekends
Del and Suse go to the one across the road from me but from what I understand they go randomly and apparently regular human social interaction is good for you :)
Planning on Mondays, Wednesdays and Saturdays (eventually)
erm
System for Cthulhu/Hunter thing is going to be BRP (in other words the Cthulhu system) as chaosium are putting out 'generic' rpg material for it as well as cthulhu stuff and I do like their material
Had a meeting at work this week about the new benefits thing ' the universal cock up' as some are calling it
Business manager painted a picture that basically means after the benefits and council tax people are replaced or reassigned the only ones left will be Benefit Recovery (me) and appeals (Mark) and I got the impression that after the dust has settled it'll just be the 2 teams picking up the mess left by the UCU - but job security I suppose
So thats the news this week - the highlights of next week are going to see the Crucible on Friday and payday on friday as well - game tonight - game thursday
And of course more walking
Seeya
Thursday 19 April 2012
Weeks been okay did most of the walking I wanted to (weather interferred with the rest)
Scored a free laptop (getting adaptor at the weekend)
Got some ground work regarding new RPG project and decided which system it's going to be
given some thought to how I want the flat to look like and how to make it more comfortable like a home
thought seriously about the future and actually have some vague ideas about what I want mine to involve
I have had this growing sense of optimism and hope that has been getting stronger all week
I mean seriously considering the miserable bastard I've been the last few years people at work must think I'm on drugs (which as you are aware is impossible as I am a geek and therefore cannot afford a drug habit)
I've come to the conclusion that the polyp thing coupled with the fact that my sense of taste and smell have been non existant for a very long time was driving me into a miserable state, (apparently the polyp took 10 - 15 years to grow to that size and was making me feel increasingly ill) now the polyp is gone and my sinuses are more or less back to normal the only thing thats holding me back is my weight and the general ill effects that brings
This week started the walking
June starts the gym
I am really getting into the idea of being a new me
So immediate plans
Get Boris painted up (hopefully for Sunday)
Start sorting books etc into areas of the flat work out what shelving etc I need to get them out of boxes
sort through figures I have to find the ones I want to keep and the ones that are going onto Ebay or into the bin
put more stuff on ebay
these are the things I am going to hit this weekend
Next Friday the post payday pissup is actually going to be starting at the Galleries of Justice watching a production of The Crucible starring Tonis lad Danny - then to the pub (yeah I got layers!!!!)
for now though it's time to crash and try and hit Friday running then the weekend
Laterz
Scored a free laptop (getting adaptor at the weekend)
Got some ground work regarding new RPG project and decided which system it's going to be
given some thought to how I want the flat to look like and how to make it more comfortable like a home
thought seriously about the future and actually have some vague ideas about what I want mine to involve
I have had this growing sense of optimism and hope that has been getting stronger all week
I mean seriously considering the miserable bastard I've been the last few years people at work must think I'm on drugs (which as you are aware is impossible as I am a geek and therefore cannot afford a drug habit)
I've come to the conclusion that the polyp thing coupled with the fact that my sense of taste and smell have been non existant for a very long time was driving me into a miserable state, (apparently the polyp took 10 - 15 years to grow to that size and was making me feel increasingly ill) now the polyp is gone and my sinuses are more or less back to normal the only thing thats holding me back is my weight and the general ill effects that brings
This week started the walking
June starts the gym
I am really getting into the idea of being a new me
So immediate plans
Get Boris painted up (hopefully for Sunday)
Start sorting books etc into areas of the flat work out what shelving etc I need to get them out of boxes
sort through figures I have to find the ones I want to keep and the ones that are going onto Ebay or into the bin
put more stuff on ebay
these are the things I am going to hit this weekend
Next Friday the post payday pissup is actually going to be starting at the Galleries of Justice watching a production of The Crucible starring Tonis lad Danny - then to the pub (yeah I got layers!!!!)
for now though it's time to crash and try and hit Friday running then the weekend
Laterz
Monday 16 April 2012
Sunday 15 April 2012
So back to work tomorrow
Had time to think about it and I hat my Job it doesn't seem to serve any purpose at the moment except to clear up the cock ups of people on the front line who get paid more than me to be better than me and that used to piss me off but not now
It pays the bills and nothing else
Confession time I'm crap when it comes to ordering stuff from anything with credit terms got things not so I'm in trouble but I could be better so last week I got in touch with an outfit that has taken my catalogues and will be handling things from now on
I'm paying a bit in admin but after 3 years the catalogues and credit card will be cleared
And after a financial statement was taken over the phone and confirmed by me in writing they have managed to raise my available monthly cash to twice what it was (which is nice)
But I think the best thing is that while this arrangement is ongoing I can't use the accounts
I can tell you thats a weight off my mind (thats 2 in the last few months I'm doing well)
RPG wise the Sunday game isn't on as people are at LARP events which is a shame 'cause I really like playing Boris he's a soldier and has a very pragmatic view on things right now he's helping two of the other PC's to get revenge on the Weasle Man things that killed the Sister of one ( and she was the girlfriend of another) and it's pretty cool at the moment
Thursdays is going well things are starting to ramp up as the the shit is nearing the fan
Next project is going to be a hunters game (using new WOD rules and a lot of old WOD setting and a pinch of Supernatural (the TV series)
No other news except I've got a bit of a crush on someone ;)
So tomorrow the walking starts
let you know how it goes
J
Had time to think about it and I hat my Job it doesn't seem to serve any purpose at the moment except to clear up the cock ups of people on the front line who get paid more than me to be better than me and that used to piss me off but not now
It pays the bills and nothing else
Confession time I'm crap when it comes to ordering stuff from anything with credit terms got things not so I'm in trouble but I could be better so last week I got in touch with an outfit that has taken my catalogues and will be handling things from now on
I'm paying a bit in admin but after 3 years the catalogues and credit card will be cleared
And after a financial statement was taken over the phone and confirmed by me in writing they have managed to raise my available monthly cash to twice what it was (which is nice)
But I think the best thing is that while this arrangement is ongoing I can't use the accounts
I can tell you thats a weight off my mind (thats 2 in the last few months I'm doing well)
RPG wise the Sunday game isn't on as people are at LARP events which is a shame 'cause I really like playing Boris he's a soldier and has a very pragmatic view on things right now he's helping two of the other PC's to get revenge on the Weasle Man things that killed the Sister of one ( and she was the girlfriend of another) and it's pretty cool at the moment
Thursdays is going well things are starting to ramp up as the the shit is nearing the fan
Next project is going to be a hunters game (using new WOD rules and a lot of old WOD setting and a pinch of Supernatural (the TV series)
No other news except I've got a bit of a crush on someone ;)
So tomorrow the walking starts
let you know how it goes
J
Saturday 7 April 2012
less than half way through my break and I feel rested and somewhat clearer of head and a little inspired
Had time to think and have decided the following
Boris is going to stay a fighter and I'm going to see how far I can push him
When I go back to work I'm going to walk there and back every day (something I failed at before if anyone wants to comment)
On Saturdays going for a long walk (just got to decide where and get some proper walking boots)
Stabilise finances this year - travel next year
Also since I put off my OU course until October (talked to my tutor about it and he suggested I postpone as I'd missed stuff through illness, stress etc) I have to try and work out why I decided to do it in the first place, as I'm not really sure
I mean if I get my finances down to a really tight format then I'm okay for money and finding a new job would be a bitch so the idea of getting a degree (although I do admit the idea is a little intriguing) doesn't seem to serve a vital purpose to anything I just found it a new source of stress and I'm trying to avoid that right now.
So why
Rob says "to thine own self be true" (I know he didn't invent it but he's the one that said it to me) and I'm not sure the OU degree thing is.
I spend more time fretting about things like this and not enough time devoted to things I should be enjoying more but aren't because I'm fretting (if that makes sense)
oh well I've got time to figure it out.
Discovered Lindsey Stirling http://www.youtube.com/user/lindseystomp shes fantastic
Tonight ale with friends
Tomorrow Game
Next week Ebay crazy
J
Had time to think and have decided the following
Boris is going to stay a fighter and I'm going to see how far I can push him
When I go back to work I'm going to walk there and back every day (something I failed at before if anyone wants to comment)
On Saturdays going for a long walk (just got to decide where and get some proper walking boots)
Stabilise finances this year - travel next year
Also since I put off my OU course until October (talked to my tutor about it and he suggested I postpone as I'd missed stuff through illness, stress etc) I have to try and work out why I decided to do it in the first place, as I'm not really sure
I mean if I get my finances down to a really tight format then I'm okay for money and finding a new job would be a bitch so the idea of getting a degree (although I do admit the idea is a little intriguing) doesn't seem to serve a vital purpose to anything I just found it a new source of stress and I'm trying to avoid that right now.
So why
Rob says "to thine own self be true" (I know he didn't invent it but he's the one that said it to me) and I'm not sure the OU degree thing is.
I spend more time fretting about things like this and not enough time devoted to things I should be enjoying more but aren't because I'm fretting (if that makes sense)
oh well I've got time to figure it out.
Discovered Lindsey Stirling http://www.youtube.com/user/lindseystomp shes fantastic
Tonight ale with friends
Tomorrow Game
Next week Ebay crazy
J
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