okay so sinus issues seem to be clearing somewhat, although according to the news especially nasty 'pollen burst' is making life unpleasant for lots of hay fever sufferers so I'm just gonna have to live with that

Not been reffing or playng for a couple of weeks as talking basically causes my sinuses to clamp shut (or thats what it feels like) and talking is fairly important in the whole RPG thing but my game back on tomorrow and back at Sundays this weekend (don't know what Marks playing - sure it'll be ya know reaallly powerful and shit)

Got to see doctors soon as I may have to take extra precaustions for Southwell (hay fever vs camping yeesh)

what got me is that it stopped me - everything shut down gaming, walking as much (okay couldn't breathe properley but still)

happened at xmas as well everything stopped, but that was xmas and therefore 'allowed'

If I keep doing this I'm gonna lose this fight and I really want to do the other thing so what I am going to have to try and do is carry on regardless

Work directly against my tendancy to stop and make excuses, just put my head down and get on with it and not ever stop

and now doubt, I don't know if I have the ..... what determination, strength whatever

Last year up until xmas I was unstoppable and then I took time off and lost ground now I have to do that again, be that person again and not stop this time

I still see the parts of the future I want (the parts I've figured out so far) and as a goal that will do for now

Now I have to fight

We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are,--
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield. 

Just threw that in cause I love that quote

J 

 

I need to achieve something - a lot of my friends have families and better jobs than me (cause I thought going to work for my local council was a goal I wanted to achieve for a career and found a dead end job that I am now stuck in with no prospects (according to my team leader says))

Theres not a lot I can do about that right now but one day....

I can't remember the last time I read a book and just enjoyed it instead of 'gamifying' it

I keep waffling on about things I want to get done and sometimes they do get done but more often they don't because sometimes I just can't see any point

but maybe thats the point to just go through the motions until something appears

I don't know but I'm going to give it a try cause otherwise I'm just gonna stay ...lost

So things kick off this week I have three goals and I'm not going to go on about them, cause thats what always happens and then  nothing

Hopefully this Sinitus isn't going to hang around for very much longer cause I'm back at the mad house tomorrow

Next Event thing coming up Southwell Folk Festival

Must reapply myself to the weight loss effort (going slowly I want it to go quicker)

and keep wondering if there is actually anyone out there for me, or if I'm better off just me

J